Originally published on Balance and Thrive

The past few months have been full of change and excitement. Things are good. Really really good.And what I’ve learned is that this freaks me out!

Last night I was explaining to Mark that I am happy and excited about all the amazing things showing up in our lives right now, but there’s a part of me that still feels like I’m walking on thin ice. And the more people who join in on our happiness and excitement, the more I worry that that ice is going to crack and kill us all…not dramatic at all right?!

So what I do to protect myself is that I shut down. I put up walls so that people get the heck off my ice!

And as I was talking this through, I started to realize how silly it sounds coming out of my mouth. I was talking and at the same time thinking this doesn’t even make sense.

But I know that I am not alone in this. When things are good – we trigger a mental thought of something bad. It’s the idea of “foreboding joy” that Brene Brown talks about in her work. This is the same concept that fuels the statement “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

It’s what we do to protect ourselves, but it’s really not a useful strategy. Because when something bad happens, you can’t really plan, prepare or protect yourself.

So as I was talking about the thin ice metaphor that I was experiencing, I realized that it was really just hijacking my joy. And that’s just ridiculous.

The other thing that I realized was that the more people who were on the ice with us, the more people who are there to share in the joy and to support us along the journey should we need it.

I also realized that the ice we were on was strong. And should it crack, we have a whole crew of people who are there with us.

But the thing is loss, pain and disappointment are inevitable parts of life. And when we hijack our joy, we are not protecting ourselves from the pain, we are simply cheating ourselves out of the joy.

Life is about both. And so much of what I have learned over the years is that so much of the beauty has come from the pain. And when the beauty is present, when we can see it and feel it, we should dive in headfirst and embrace it. Because that is life.

There are no words 
to properly express
my joy.

The gifts I have received,
undeserved,
abound.

In each step I offer my thanks,
my humility, 
my shame,
my embarrassment,
my joy 
in knowing these emotions.

Every turn an acknowledgement
of how my sentence could have ended,
but continued;
my greatest run-on
is life.

I offer my dance to the Universe,
Kali,
Allah,
Yahweh.

The oldest Goddess,
the newest God,
all receiving my gratitude.

As I bow,
the dance ended,
I remind myself to continue the dance,
everyday,
with every breath,
in every task
my spirits recharged.

Why do I resist to rest?
When everything in me
Knows it is good for me.

More than "good for me"
Rest nourishes by body,
Eases my mind, enlivens my spirit

So what's the problem?
What's this really about?
What's the challenge in rest?

Is it that I believe
I don't deserve the
Sweet rewards of sacred rest?

Is it that I need to keep churning with ideas
And words and deeds to
Believe I am relevant?

Is it just that I am too
damn stubborn?

I take a breath.

I savor the moment.

And I realize today that in choosing to
Practice rest
I do not need to have all the answers.